06.05.09 The 3rd Key for Evaluating the Respect for Boundaries in a Prospective Partner Are Boundaries Guided by Principle Rather than Emotions?

3. Are Boundaries Guided by Principle Rather than Emotions?

Assess whether the prospective partner’s boundaries are governed by clear principles, or driven by emotions or convenience. Does the person adhere to set limits even when feelings intensify; or does she or he struggle to maintain those limits when intimacy or emotional closeness increases? Does his or her conduct reflect discipline and responsibility, or is it swayed by false reassurances that ‘the person is beyond being tempted’ despite seductive environments?

Mary must have observed just how highly principled Joseph was when it came to choosing between his human emotions and God’s instructions. Although the Bible is silent about God’s specific instruction regarding physical intimacy with his wife before Jesus was born; to Joseph, installing the boundaries was a matter of principle. Jesus had to be born first. The man decided not to bow to his human emotions despite the fact that he had spent a whole year waiting for Mary. And as discussed in many places already, the principled Joseph would choose to unwaveringly follow divine instructions and moral order rather than emotional reaction or social pressure (Matthew 1:20–25).

Joseph must have also noticed how principled Mary was, the day she left Nazareth to visit her cousin Elizabeth in the hill country in Judea. She must have needed some space to contemplate God’s divine assignment, amongst other things. Again, the Bible does not explicitly state the reasons for the visit but her decision cannot have been driven by fear, since the angel had already dispelled such emotions (Luke 1:30). The young virgin needed to think straight as she wisely planned her next steps. How would she convey the news to Joseph? What would her parents say? How about the villagers who had attended her betrothal ceremony? That kind of pregnancy used to attract death by stoning (Deuteronomy 22:23–24). What did God have to say about all that?

Daphne was not principled enough given that her emotional closeness to Victor, coupled with his fake reassurances gradually shifted the girl’s boundaries. As her attachment to Victor took root, she relaxed safeguards and trusted her assumptions rather than sticking to discipline and restraining her feelings. In a moment of heightened emotional connection, a boundary she had previously upheld crumbled, leading to negative consequences that would brand her for life.

The consistency of a prospective partner’s boundaries clearly shows whether the person’s conduct is guided by internal principles or merely by the situation. Boundaries that are driven by the person’s principles remain stable and protective, while those shaped by emotions tend to crumble under pressure. A prospective partner’s ability to restrain his or her emotions reveals maturity and readiness for responsible partnership; and that decisions will be based on set values rather than temporary feelings.