06.03.03 How Commitment Works in Our Marriage

How Commitment Works in Our Marriage

A Personal Experience

Soon after the initial interaction with my husband, then boyfriend, I discovered that he was deeply interested in cultivating a serious relationship, with marriage being a long-term goal. He recounts his first encounter, when he saw me perform at a music show as a guest singer during the holidays following my A levels, and his subsequent conviction that I was the one he wanted to marry. Over the next three years, he made deliberate efforts to attend every concert where I was performing, demonstrating his commitment to get in touch when the timing was right. It was not until after I completed my first degree that he made the first contact, marking the beginning of our relationship.

From the very beginning, my husband’s intentions were accompanied by consistent and deliberate actions. As explained in almost all the chapters of this series, his proposal was not merely verbal but was supported by behaviour that reflected readiness to take on the responsibility of becoming my husband. From the very first time we met and became friends, he made sure that I was safe, comfortable, happy and well taken care of, even where it meant inconveniencing himself. As a firstborn, I had never had an elder sibling or a big brother. Given that my husband is five years older than me, he naturally assumed that role in many ways. This strengthened my trust in him, as he consistently fulfilled his promises, demonstrating visible commitment rather than just words. I was therefore confident that he would honour his assurance that our wedding would take place on the set date, despite the looming civil war.

Prior to meeting my husband, I had been in a relationship where I gradually and candidly discovered that the other person did not have the qualities of the partner I would want to spend a lifetime with. Having completed my university education, I felt it was time to be intentional about the next phase of my life, and I chose to walk away from that relationship. Meeting my husband brought clarity and stability. Within a few months, his consistency and intentional effort made it evident that he was pursuing a long-term relationship. As life unfolded, our responsibilities and decisions were clearly oriented toward a permanent future rather than a temporary experience. I no longer needed to look elsewhere for a potential life partner, and I have never regretted that decision.

We have faced difficult seasons together without withdrawing from one another. One such challenge arose when our refusal to partner with a corrupt official set off a chain of events that led us into one of the most difficult times in our lives. The details of that experience are included in my book entitled Beating the Grapevine: How to Defeat Negative Gossip. Despite the uncertainty surrounding that situation, we faced it together and remained united through several years of almost unquenchable fire.

Working together has been a natural expression of our commitment. Whether in decision-making, planning or handling responsibilities, we approach life with a shared sense of responsibility rather than functioning independently. A good example is our wedding. Much as we did not personally have enough resources to finance the ceremony, we worked collaboratively to manage costs, alongside contributions from family and friends. In the end, we had a successful event, with even some surplus remaining to invest in our cosmetics business.

Our relationship has also remained open and safe for honest expression. My husband and I are able to share concerns, express perspectives and address weaknesses without fear of withdrawal, judgement, ridicule or breach of confidentiality. This has strengthened our friendship and deepened our understanding of each other. Let me share an example of how I opened up to my husband, just a few weeks after we had met. I must admit that my experience at the time was quite naïve. I had come out of an abusive and controlling relationship where I had been told that if I ever left, the person would die of a heart attack. Not only did I believe it, but I shared this concern with my new friend, now my husband. He listened with empathy and understanding. This was before he even told me that he had fallen in love with me. Young as I was, I thought we were simply becoming friends, not knowing that he had already made up his mind about me three years earlier. His willingness to listen made him a treasure in my heart.