07.05.09 The 3rd Key for Evaluating a Prospective Partner's Emotional Healing and Forgiving Nature Is the Person Settled rather than Seeking Validation or Comparison?

3. Is the Person ‘Settled’ rather than Seeking Validation or Comparison?

Observe what governs the prospective partner’s sense of identity. Is the person grounded in purpose, character and inner stability; or does she or he seek validation through comparison, approval or the need to prove his or her worth? Does the individual display a settled sense of identity or lingering insecurity?

Mary would have seen Joseph’s tendency to remain ‘settled’ instead of comparing himself to other cases of betrothal or seeking validation from people. A case in point is where he endured social suspicion when the legitimacy of Jesus’ birth was questioned. Such insinuations could provoke a man to defend himself, assert honour or seek public approval. Yet Joseph did not strive to silence every ‘doubting Thomas’ or restore his reputation by arguing with those who probably felt that he had been duped by a promiscuous woman. The man remained consistent in his responsibility and calling, forgiving those who had judged him without understanding his narrative. Joseph was not governed by the need for validation but remained settled in his identity as Mary’s husband, and in his duty as Jesus’ earthly father.

Rosalind was different. Her continued attention toward Tyson’s social media profile revealed an underlying urge for validation and comparison. Rather than focusing on her own growth, she measured her progress against his life as a yardstick, reflecting her ongoing attachment and an unsettled sense of identity.

Emotional healing produces a stable sense of ‘self’. A healed prospective partner does not validate his or her worth through comparison with an offender, or external affirmation from people outside the relationship. Rather, the individual lives according to a clear sense of purpose and identity. Such stability strengthens a relationship because the person’s identity is no longer dependent on approval, competition or the need to prove his or her worth, but on a grounded understanding of oneself.