07.02.03 How Emotional Maturity Works in Our Marriage

How Emotional Maturity Works in Our Marriage

A Personal Experience

One of the key factors that drew me to my husband was his high emotional maturity, a quality that had been notably absent in a previous relationship. As a young and inexperienced woman fresh out of university, meeting him was such a welcome change. We all know that age does not necessarily convey emotional maturity, but in my case, my husband’s being five years older brought a calmness and stability that I truly needed. By the way, he fell in love with me without my notice. I actually thought that he was just a close friend who happened to be a man. Looking back, I was so naïve that my ex-boyfriend had convinced me that he would suffer a heart attack if I ever chucked him. Believe you me, not only did I believe the boy but was so scared that I would confide my fears to my husband, then new friend; worried that I was about to kill someone. Amazingly, he would understandingly listen in as any ‘big brother would’, without punching holes in the boy’s manipulative lies. And, of course, he never advised me to resume that relationship either. To the contrary, he handled my ‘childish’ concerns with remarkable composure and understanding. He gave me a listening ear without challenging my naivety.

Being emotionally mature has always enabled us to maintain realistic expectations about each other. During the time I met my husband, it was in vogue for a serious boyfriend to shower a girl with clothes, shoes, a car and take her out to the most exclusive places in town. Young and naïve as I was, I had never lived that kind of lifestyle and did not demand that either, courtesy of my mother’s simplicity. Apart from a blouse and skirt, a dress and a small jar of Dax hair pomade, along with a few simple outings to the ice cream machine and some movies, there was nothing extravagant. We were two emotionally mature people in love from modest backgrounds, and that was enough for us.

The way we approach conflict draws a lot from our emotional maturity. Rather than resorting to blame, personal attacks or avoidance, we have learnt to address disagreements with respect, listen carefully and work toward solutions that are reasonable and mutually acceptable. My mind goes back to the day my husband misplaced our car keys when we were just about to start our journey from Arusha to Dar. We were seated in the car, fully packed and ready to depart, when he checked his pockets and the keys were nowhere to be found. In my mind, I began to imagine the possibility that they had slipped into one of the suitcases and how long it would take to unpack everything. At the same time, I knew how much effort he had already put in that morning, having woken up early and worked hard with our training assistant to fit all the luggage into the car for the long journey ahead. Also, since he would never allow anyone else to drive us on such long journeys, we had over 600 km to cover. Deep in my heart, I knew that it would be unfair and inappropriate to start blaming him at that point. So I calmly said, “Sorry, honey, the keys must be somewhere. Just try to retrace your steps and you will find them.” Sure enough, he did, and before long, we were on our way. When we arrived in Dar, my husband thanked me for being patient and understanding during that moment. There have also been times when I have made mistakes, but his emotional maturity has made such moments much easier to handle. Rather than reacting harshly or blowing the issue out of proportion, he responds with calmness and understanding, often saying things like, “I understand you, Joy… I have felt like that before… it happens.” This has preserved the stability of our relationship and made it easier to address issues without fear or tension.

Another clear expression of this maturity is seen in the caution we exercise when communicating with each other. With time, I noticed that my husband was not used to being snapped at. It causes him a lot of emotional pain and that is the last thing I ever want to see. Therefore, I try my level best not to respond in a rude or snappy manner; and make up quickly whenever that happens. However, my husband is different. Much as it may be difficult for many to comprehend, he has never snapped at me even once. Not that I never annoy, because I do so on several occasions, but he consistently responds with calmness and restraint. I can trust him with my heart because I know ‘it will be in good hands’. I can safely say that he also trusts me with his.

Taking ownership of our actions is another hallmark of our emotional maturity. Rather than shifting blame or expecting one another to unnecessarily carry the other person’s obligations or responsibilities, each of us accepts responsibility where it is due. I will give an example. As shared in many places, it is very common for my husband to help out in the kitchen without me asking him to. However, the kitchen is my personal responsibility, so I cannot sit back browsing social media or chilling while he works in the kitchen, except when I am catching my breath in between an assignment, in which case he will know why I am not in the kitchen. Another example of how my husband owns his actions came when he slipped and unfortunately hurt himself. Even in pain, he kept saying that it was him who had made a mistake, since I had always told him not to run on that surface. On my part, when I make a mistake, the first person to check is myself: what did I do that I should not have done, or what did I fail to do that I should have done?

We exercise empathy when relating with one another. By putting ourselves in each other’s shoes, we are able to respond with consideration, compassion and provide the necessary support. For instance, there was a time when my husband accidentally burnt the handle of one of my precious pans, a Kenwood steamer, as he was, again, trying to help out in the kitchen. I heard him exclaim, “Oh my God”, only to find that a good chunk of the handle had melted away. I felt so sorry because I knew just how he was feeling. I remembered that he had been on his feet for a long while that morning, trying to lovingly help prepare my breakfast. So, you can imagine what it would have been like if I had unempathetically reacted harshly instead of understanding that burning the handle had not been intentional.

By being emotionally mature, we respect each other’s individuality to the extent that we maintain boundaries; and are able to grow individually while remaining connected. This strengthens our trust for each other and makes us ‘free’ to do life together. I can cite an example during the early years of our courtship and marriage. Much as we were deeply in love with one another, we allowed each other to be. For instance, my involvement in singing at shows continued without restriction until I later gave my life to Christ and left that space. During those performances, people would express appreciation in various ways, including showering me with money, yet at no point did my husband become insecure or jealous.