07.01.04 How Emotional Intelligence Works in Our Marriage

How Emotional Intelligence Works in Our Marriage 

A Personal Experience

My husband and I are emotionally intelligent given that we can recognise our feelings and regulate them accordingly. We also endeavour to motivate ourselves, display empathy and apply social skills when relating with one another and other people in our environment.

One of the ways this is expressed in our marriage is through self-awareness. Each of us makes a deliberate effort to identify the triggers behind negative emotional responses and adjust where necessary. Let me share two examples. Firstly, I happen to be ‘aware’ that clutter makes me very irritable. Secondly, my degree of tolerance drops when I am tired, to the extent that I could fuss over tiny mistakes that a house-help makes. By the way, such a habit can make members uncomfortable since you turn your home into a ‘warzone’ each time you return from work. Therefore, I have learnt to manage my emotions when asking members of our household to put things back in order. By being conscious of my emotional triggers, I am able to relate with our house helps with respect.

One of the things I admire in my husband is his high degree of self-regulation. Despite being a member of the royal clan in his tribe, there has never been a time that he bragged about his status as a prince. In my view, this reflects a high level of emotional intelligence, especially in a culture where royalty is highly esteemed and sometimes idolised. In addition, my husband thinks deeply through issues rather than rushing to respond, which has saved us from several fall-outs with people in our social network including relatives, friends, church members and even clients. On my part, however, I had to tone down my candid approach, rather than saying things bluntly without considering how the other person would feel. I learnt that words, once spoken, cannot be taken back, yet they have the potential to destroy relationships.

We share an inner drive or motivation to build and sustain our marriage. In my case, for example, I was determined to make my marriage work from the very beginning, despite having been warned by several people that marriage was hard. As if that was not enough, shortly after our honeymoon, an older workmate advised that I should get a man-friend on the side to avoid getting disappointed if I was to learn that my husband had been unfaithful, assuring me that such was likely to happen since all men did that. Although I did not openly oppose her, I chose to disregard that advice and focus on building my marriage with intention, giving my best to my husband, our children and our home. I can also confidently say that my husband is equally committed to doing the same.

Being empathetic towards each other has also been central in our marriage. My husband and I are so close that we can almost predict each other’s thoughts processes and feelings. By intentionally seeking to understand one another’s emotions and experiences, we are able to respond with consideration rather than relying on assumptions. This has strengthened our ability to support each other during challenging moments and to engage effectively in situations that require encouragement or reassurance.

Regarding social skills, effective communication is central in our relationship. We make a deliberate effort to express ourselves clearly, listen to each other with intention and address concerns with care. This has helped us to resolve misunderstandings without escalating issues, allowing us to maintain a peaceful marriage experience.