07.03.03 How Understanding Love Languages Works in Our Marriage

How Understanding ‘Love Languages’ Works in Our Marriage

A Personal Experience

At the inception of our relationship, my husband read my preferred love language early by discovering that I positively respond to ‘acts of service’, followed by ‘quality time’. Thinking back to when we met, I was coming from a relationship where a person was so full of himself. Everything was ‘all about him’. For that matter, that individual would not care about how I felt provided his wishes were met, even if it meant using verbal sadism and other forms of abuse. Frankly, after meeting my husband, I was actually pleasantly ‘shocked’ to discover that a man could consider me as his priority to the point of making himself uncomfortable and inconvenienced for my sake! Come to think of it, the Bible had tasked him to love me the way Christ loves the church, and that was exactly what he was willingly delivering. And I loved it.

Talking about ‘acts of service’, I will never forget the day my husband picked me for a night date. Such outings had become common since we were not saved by then. As we walked on a deserted street going to his home, an armed soldier confronted us and demanded that my husband, then boyfriend, throw his watch on the ground. I saw my husband refusing to do that, daring the man to come and get it off his wrist. After some haggling words, the soldier gave up and let us go. Later, my 28-year-old boyfriend told me how he had planned to disarm the man and defend me, reasoning that both the soldier’s hands would have been off his gun while trying to remove the wristwatch. Come to think of it, my husband’s boldness was probably motivated by the ‘James Bond, Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris’ movies he used to watch those days, coupled with the James Hadley Chase novels he would fervently read at the time.

On my part, understanding my husband’s love language has played a key role in keeping our marriage vibrant and strong. I discerned early that his primary love language is ‘words of affirmation’, followed by ‘acts of service’. Therefore, I make sure that I genuinely appreciate him for what he does, expressing my love verbally and often reminding him of how much he means to me. I truly mean it from the bottom of my heart. Regarding ‘acts of service’, you should see his delight whenever I cook a special meal with him in mind, prepare his supplements, or cover him with my wrapper when he takes a nap on a cold afternoon.

Understanding the differences in how we express and receive ‘love’ has helped us to relate more meaningfully with each other. The ‘acts of service’ that demonstrate my husband’s love for me are not necessarily the same as those that ‘speak’ to him. People say that the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. So, when I prepare a good meal for my husband, a large part of his appreciation is directed at the quality and enjoyment of the food. However, when he cooks for me, I see something different. I recognise the effort, the time and the intention behind every step he takes to make sure that I am pleased. Quite sincerely, that moves me deeply.

Over time, we have learnt to express our love in ways that may not come naturally, provided they matter to the other person. This has helped to reduce the frustration that can arise when one expresses love in ways that do not align with the other partner’s preferences. I will give an example. In a culture where a man shows love by giving gifts, gifts rank very low on my list of love languages. I am one of those choosy women who are not easy to buy things for. My husband tried on several occasions to bring different gifts. Some I used on very few occasions, while others I kept for a long time before eventually giving them away, of course with his permission. I can imagine just how frustrating that might have been at the time, until he came to understand what truly ‘speaks’ to me.