07.05.03 How Forgiveness and Healing Works in Our Marriage

How Forgiveness and Healing Works in Our Marriage

A Personal Experience

One of the things that struck me about my husband was his forgiving nature. However, it is important to note that I have also made my fair share of mistakes over the years and have equally been forgiven. What I share here reflects how we have both extended and received forgiveness in our marriage.

Quite early in our relationship, he narrated how one of his close friends had cheated him of a sizeable amount of money, long before we met. Apparently, they had opened a company together, dealing in stationery. My husband, who was fully employed at the time, would provide the capital while his partner sourced tenders from organisations, delivered the consignments and collected the payments. At some point, the friend began repeatedly claiming that they had not been paid, only for my husband to later discover that the partner had secretly collected and kept the money. However, instead of taking the matter further, my husband simply stopped dealing with him, and that was it.

Rather than allowing offences to linger, we endeavour to address them as soon as possible. Instant forgiveness has therefore become a major pillar in our relationship. When we offend each other, we lay our issues on the table and resolve them with openness, clarity and sincerity, apologising and agreeing on the way forward where necessary. Prayer and Christian principles are a key part of this process. Ephesians 4:26 has always been an indispensable guide in our journey together. That verse reads (NIV): “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry…”. This approach has definitely strengthened our bond.

Let me share an example of a small issue that I once blew out of proportion. As narrated in many places, my husband is a Mutooro while I am a Muganda by tribe. One time, he received a call from a Mutooro relative who greeted him in Luganda, only for him to gently ask why she had used that language. You can’t imagine how offended I felt, blaming him for making a tribalistic comment. Thinking back, his response was natural, since they share the same mother tongue, and knowing him, he truly had no ill intentions. I forgave him, and that matter became water under the bridge. By the way, it is not that I have never offended my husband. I certainly have, in several ways over the years. If he were the one writing this book, he would probably have a long list. What I can say, however, is that he forgives me instantly each time.

Over the years, we have learnt how to help one another heal. After apologising, we consciously avoid retaliation, revenge and harmful reactions such as withdrawal or the silent treatment. Rather than revisiting past offences unnecessarily, we focus on moving forward with greater awareness, having also learnt each other’s ‘no-go’ areas so as not to hurt or provoke one another or reopen wounds that may still be healing. I recall a moment that brought this to life. One night, at around midnight, as we were preparing to go to bed after a very long day, my husband was reaching out to help prepare the supplements that we use when a jar of coconut oil tilted over. What I heard was a squeal as he tried to stop the glass jar from falling off the concrete, his arms already holding other bottles. That night, I had to remove everything from the shelf, wipe each item, clean the shelf and then the floor, and we eventually went to bed after 3 a.m. My husband was so emotionally sorry for the mess that there was no room for rebuking or scolding, even if I had wanted to. My role in that moment was to help him forgive himself and recover from the incident, so I chose not to analyse what had happened in depth and have never revisited the matter.

We are intentional about making adjustments that prevent issues from recurring. For example, among the items I inherited from my late father’s office were two magnifying glasses, a small one and a big one. These are not expensive, but they are my father’s, and I am deeply attached to them. As my husband used the small one, it broke repeatedly until only a small piece of glass remained. He then moved on to the bigger one. All I did was place it in an empty tissue box where he could easily access it, and it has not suffered the same breakage since. This simple adjustment helped me recover from the hurt I had felt each time the small one broke, until there was almost nothing left.

Genuine forgiveness also reflects our commitment to love one another as we love ourselves (Matthew 22:39). We put ourselves in each other’s shoes, which can be summed up as empathy, seeking to understand where the other person is coming from. My experience has been that whenever I do this, it becomes much easier to forgive my husband, because I know it is never his intention to offend me. He is a God-fearing man. Having Christ at the centre, and the fruit of the Spirit as a reference point (Galatians 5:22–23), shapes how we respond to one another.