07.05.07 The 1st Key for Evaluating a Prospective Partner's Emotional Healing and Forgiving Nature Does the Person Address Past Pain with Honesty and Composure?

1. Does the Person Address Past Pain with Honesty and Composure?

Observe whether the prospective partner addresses past pain with honesty and composure. Can the person speak openly and calmly about his or her history; or does she or he become defensive or emotionally unsettled when narrating past experiences? Does the individual demonstrate responsibility for his or her story; or does she or he shift blame onto others?

Joseph must have noted Mary’s ability to face painful past experiences with composure and honesty. For instance, the man had suspected that Mary cheated and got pregnant, a painful memory which had the potential of evoking defensiveness, resentment or reproach later in their marriage. Yet she does not appear to have harboured bitterness or resentment against Joseph, or the situation that had exposed her to such suspicions and false allegations.

Rosalind was different. She avoided conversations about Tyson and resisted deeper reflection on the issue, convinced that she had already moved on. But her tendency to monitor the man's life and compare his progress with hers revealed that the past was still emotionally active and had not been fully addressed.

The way a prospective partner speaks about the past reveals whether his or her emotions are healed. A healed person acknowledges painful experiences without being governed by them. The tone remains measured, and his or her reflections about the issue are balanced, candid and objective. In addition, the person’s language shows where she or he could have gone wrong, taking responsibility where due rather than just accusing offenders. A partner who can discuss past experiences calmly and honestly is more likely to enter marriage with emotional stability, clarity and accountability.