07.01.14 The 7th Key for Evaluating a Prospective Partner's Emotional Intelligence Does the Person Base His or Her Emotional Responses on the Current Situation rather than Unresolved Past Wounds?

7. Does the Person Base His or Her Emotional Responses on the Current Situation rather than Unresolved Past Wounds?

The ability to recognise how a person’s past experiences may affect his or her present responses reflects self-awareness. Therefore, observe whether the prospective partner responds to situations based on ‘today’s reality’, or if she or he is biased by unresolved wounds of the past. Does the person use current relevant facts to interpret and respond to situations; or does she or he feel threatened by today’s happenings fearing that ‘history may repeat itself?

Boaz must have noticed Ruth’s ability to base her responses on current situations rather than unrealistically depending on history. For instance, although she had lost an Israelite husband and a father-in-law, the young widow’s past pain did not define her interactions with the man. In addition, Ruth was living among unfamiliar people, many of whom viewed Moabites with some form of hostility (Deuteronomy 23:3–6) yet her interaction with Boaz was not shaped by defensiveness or distrust. When he spoke kindly to the woman and made provision for her safety, she received his words with humility rather than suspicion (Ruth 2:10–13). Writers suggest that Boaz was around eighty years old when he met Ruth, who was about forty by then.

Likewise, Ruth must have noted how Boaz did not relate with people based solely on past experiences. For instance, his interactions with Ruth were not defined by her past status as a foreigner or a widow for that matter. To be more specific, Moabite women had a history of leading Israelite men into both sexual immorality and idolatry (Numbers 25). However, although Boaz was aware of this background, he did not treat Ruth according to that history. Instead, he responded to her based on her conduct and character at that time (Ruth 2:11–12). In other words, the man related to Ruth based on who she was, rather than where she was coming from.

In contrast, Julius and Evelyn’s responses increasingly became shaped by what had happened before, rather than by each situation on its own. As Evelyn’s querries became more frequent, Julius would quickly dismiss them without much thought, consideration, or room for discussion, claiming that he had been and will always be misunderstood regarding ‘Brenda and Rianna'. Whilst all that was happening, Evelyn having felt unheard on several occasions, became more sensitive and persistent in seeking reassurance. Before they knew it, each of them was reacting not only to what was being said, but to what had been carried over from previous interactions. As a result, their conversations gradually suffered from accumulated tension, which made it more difficult to resolve the issue.

An emotionally intelligent partner recognises when past experiences are inappropriately or myopically influencing current responses. Reacting to what is actually happening rather than what has already happened, promotes stability, fairness and emotional balance while preventing unnecessary misunderstandings in your relationship.