09.05.03 How Social Maturity and Support Systems Work in Our Marriage

How Social Maturity and Support Systems Work in Our Marriage

A Personal Experience

A key factor that has sustained our marriage is the maturity with which we relate to each other, together with the strong support systems that God has placed around us. When I met my husband, then my boyfriend, we came from very different social worlds. His was rooted in business, while mine was shaped by music. He grew up in the city, whereas I spent much of my childhood in boarding school and later at Makerere University, where my parents lived. One of the qualities that drew me to him was his openness to my social network. He enjoys it when I connect with my friends, even if it means waiting quietly in a corner of a restaurant or picking me up afterwards. In addition, my husband has a remarkable ability to build social support systems that provide meaningful assistance when needed, from vendors and technicians to everyday service providers.

Social maturity shapes how we respond to pressure from the people in our environment. We recognise that those around us are not perfect, and we therefore approach situations with understanding rather than unrealistic expectations. By handling stress, disappointment and challenges with restraint rather than impulsive reactions, we prevent minor issues from escalating and preserve stability within our relationship. A classic example is how my husband handled an arrogant neighbour. Before we moved in, our caretaker had already complained about them washing their cars outside our gate, with soapy water flowing over our pavers and into the garden instead of using their own parking area or washing outside their gate. We had completed our perimeter wall long before they purchased the adjacent property, which meant they did not need to construct one. We had also used expensive black wrought iron for the grilles, so we were surprised to discover that they had painted their side cream. My husband called the neighbour’s wife to politely request that the iron be left black, and was met with a rude response, despite the fact that we owned the grilles. Although we had expected appreciation for having saved them such a significant expense, my husband responded calmly and chose to close the matter.

In the same way, we respond to others with empathy and consideration. My mind goes back to where we sit at church. We chose a place in the back section for two main reasons. First, it is near a window, which allows fresh air to circulate during the hot and dry season. Second, the floor is slightly raised, giving us a clear panoramic view of the front stage. One challenge, however, is the kind of congregants who often sit in that section, particularly young mothers with toddlers of different ages. Despite the disturbances we sometimes experience, we smile at the babies, occasionally lending a helping hand and remaining mindful of what the young parents are going through. With time, we have noticed that both the mothers and the children relax around us. I cannot imagine what our Sunday experience would have been like if either of us had been grumpy or intolerant of these little angels. The young parents would have kept their distance.

Social maturity also enables us to handle responsibilities as a dependable team. For instance, there have been several occasions when distressed women have come to our home seeking advice, counselling or simply a shoulder to cry on. In those moments, I have seen my husband stand in the gap by coordinating our house help and ensuring that tea and a light snack are provided, allowing me to focus on ministry. A similar situation often arises after Sunday service, when someone seeks me out for the same reasons. Whenever that happens, my husband patiently and willingly waits. “This is an opportunity for us to minister,” he always says. In other words, as I minister at the forefront, he consistently and reliably supports our social responsibilities by fulfilling his role behind the scenes.

In addition, we handle challenges within family, ministry and friendships as a team. At times, disagreements arise within these circles, and in many such instances, my husband and I address them together. A classic example was when one of my relatives became so upset that he openly declared he no longer wanted anything to do with us, a reaction that was clearly uncalled for. I later learnt that rather than confronting him immediately, my socially mature husband chose to pray about the situation until it settled. In a separate instance, I recall a time when the marriage of one of our participants was on the brink of collapse. When he booked an appointment with me, I suggested that my husband join the meeting. The value of that approach was that, while my husband shared from a man’s perspective, I spoke from a woman’s point of view. As a result, we were able to offer a balanced and mature resolution, which would not have been possible if I had handled the matter alone.

Our support systems also play a critical role in how we navigate demanding seasons. By having access to trusted friendships, we are able to receive support rather than becoming isolated or overwhelmed. This strengthens our decision-making and reduces unnecessary pressure within the relationship. My mind goes back to our friends in Arusha, who chose to fast for several days when we shared that my employment had been terminated after I refused a physically intimate relationship with a supervisor. I am confident that their spiritual commitment contributed greatly to the strength that enabled us to navigate that very difficult season.

In the same way, our support systems help us manage external pressures with balance. By not relying exclusively on each other for every form of support, we avoid unnecessary strain that could arise from unmet expectations. I can never forget the physical, financial and moral support that our network in Dar es Salaam provided at the loss of my mother, which occurred during a particularly difficult season. As shared elsewhere, our consultancies had been cancelled after we refused to partner with a highly influential but corrupt official. The support of our network strengthened our resilience and enabled us to navigate that period with greater stability. In a separate instance, when my father-in-law passed on, his funeral coincided with a course that we were scheduled to deliver. As a result, by the time my husband returned home, I was not there. However, our support network stepped in and took care of him before he travelled to the course venue.