09.02.13 The 7th Key for Evaluating a Prospective Partner's Conflict Management Skills

7. Does the Person Learn from Conflict Experiences?

Observe whether the prospective partner grows through conflict or repeats the same mistakes again and again. Does the person reflect, adjust and demonstrate improved judgement with time or is there no evidence of learning from the past?

Sarah must have recognised how Abraham picked lessons from the conflicts he would encounter. Apparently, after lying that Sarah was his sister when he went to Egypt (Genesis 12), he straightforwardly told Abimelech the truth about Sarah being his wife (Genesis 20), which indicated some learning in the way Abraham was handling conflict (Genesis 20:9–16).

Elaine did not learn from the conflicts she either caused or encountered, considering that she would display poor conflict management, repeatedly. For instance, after accusing Ivan of tribalism, she displayed a dismissive attitude about the laptop followed by a sulky silence. The fact that she demonstrated no remorse, accountability or empathy after the Ivan’s disciplinary hearing indicates a failure to learn from the consequences of her actions.

A prospective partner who learns from conflicts demonstrates willingness to reflect, adjust behavior and improve his or her approach to disagreements, thereby preventing the repetition of destructive behaviours. Such a partner enriches your relationship by sharing the wisdom gained from managing conflicts. That way, the conflicts become opportunities for growth rather than sources of constant strain.