09.01.11 The 5th Key for Evaluating a Prospective Partner's Respect for Individuality

5. Is Unity Built Without Erasing Personal Identity?

Observe whether partnering with the person promotes shared life while allowing each individual to retain his or her personal identity by still remaining to be fully himself or herself. Do both partners contribute to the couple's unity or does one identity gradually fade out in order to maintain harmony?

Priscilla must have observed Aquila's openness in retaining Priscilla’s identity. Even as they worked, ministered and hosted believers together, her individual contribution did not disappear and she was consistently acknowledged by name alongside him. She remained visible despite their shared life (Romans 16:3–5; 1 Corinthians 16:19). In other words, their unity did not absorb her identity.

Aquila must have also marked Priscilla's interest in preserving his identity. As already discussed, within their shared life, the man continued to function in his role, fulfilling his unique responsibilities as they laboured together and his name was consistently mentioned alongside hers (Romans 16:3–5). The couple maintained their distinct identities rather than dissolving. As Priscilla and Aquila’s unity grew, their unique individuality was remained intact.

Judith’s experience illustrates the cost of eroding a partner's identity. As she reduced her involvement in the bakery, disengaged from friendships and adjusted her priorities to align with Benjamin’s construction ambitions, the woman gradually lost connection with ‘who she was’. Her silence, self-compliance and compliance to Benjamin's self-centered standards created a significant loss of ‘self’.

A marriage-ready individual understands that unity does not require the erasing of a partner's personal identity. To the contrary, togetherness is enhanced when two ‘whole’ individuals while create a shared life. A prospective partner who values identity will create space for you to grow as an individual while building shared goals, ensuring that your ‘the unique you’ is celebrated, rather than being suppressed.