09.02.04 The Conflicts that Drained Ivan and Elaine's Relationship - A Fictitious Story

The Conflicts that Drained Ivan and Elaine’s Relationship– A Fictitious Story

Ivan, an IT systems analyst known for his calm reliability, first met Elaine at a corporate workshop. She was confident, expressive and socially gifted. Their personalities balanced each other; at least in the beginning.

But the first real conflict management challenge surfaced when their mutual friend Thadeo announced his intention to run for Member of Parliament.

Elaine was excited. For not only was Thadeo from her tribe but she saw him almost like extended family. So, one afternoon as she passionately listed Thadeo’s strengths one by one, Ivan gently expressed reservations. “I wonder if he can run a public office…” Elaine stopped abruptly. “Ivan, please! Just say it plainly. You don’t want him to win because he’s from my tribe!” Ivan blinked, stunned. “What does tribe have to do with this?” Elaine did not let him finish. “You always find ways of minimising leaders from our region.” And although Ivan tried to explain his point of view, Elaine kept raising her voice and could not even allow him to rationalise his comments. Later that evening, Ivan could not help but wonder whether Elaine’s way of responding to conflict would sustain their relationship. It did not take too long to find out.

One day Elaine insisted on borrowing Ivan’s company laptop; a thing which was against the policy of his employer. But that afternoon, the unspeakable happened. Elaine left the laptop on the back seat of her car in a crowded parking lot, only to find her window shattered and the laptop gone. A shocked Elaine called Ivan, followed by a frenzy of occurrences which included filing a police report and alerting Ivan’s employers. The following day, he received an email requiring him to appear before the disciplinary committee. He called Elaine immediately without success; only to receive a message: “In meetings. We talk later.

When they finally met for lunch, Ivan tried to address the matter. “Elaine, this is serious. I have to explain how a company laptop got stolen. You said you would handle it.” But she immediately tried to lighten the discussion. “Ah Ivan, It was just a small notebook. A friend of mine has a computer store. I will ask if he can give me one on credit. If it was a Range Rover, maybe I would panic.” Ivan stared at her, stunned at the casual dismissal.

Then she mimicked the high-pitched voice of the head of the disciplinary committee chair — a short man whose voice she had heard once when Ivan picked a work call. I can imagine him saying: “‘Mr. Ivan, how did you lose a laptop?’” Then burst out laughing. “It’s not funny, Elaine,” Ivan said firmly. “This is a serious issue.” An almost furious Elaine retorted. “I told you I will replace it. Let us not build mountains out of molehills.” Then she folded into sulky silence; as if punishing him for confronting her. He even remembers how she faked a smile when a friend passed by during lunch, reverting back to cold silence as soon as the friend walked away.

Ivan waited for Elaine to give him an update on the replacement of the laptop but that did not happen. He had hoped to replace the device before facing the disciplinary committee. However, the man was surprised to say the least, when he called to follow up. Elaine snapped irritably, saying the he should be patient. The days that followed, Ivan waited for any updates from Elaine but nothing came through. Yet she knew that things would have been easier, had Ivan replaced the laptop.

On the day of the hearing, the disciplinary committee decided to recover the laptop from his salary and not give him any bonuses for a period of 12 months. After the meeting, Elaine sent only one message: “Hope it went well. Busy.” No remorse. No accountability. No empathy.

At that moment, Ivan realised that a relationship where conflict cannot be handled will eventually collapse. And he was not ready to wait for that moment.