09.03.03 How Managing Expectations Works in Our Marriage

How Managing Expectations Works in Our Marriage

A Personal Experience

One of the qualities that drew me to my husband is his ability to manage my expectations. For instance, after being interested in me for some three years without my knowledge, my husband finally got a window to reach out, by sending one of our neighbours — the mother next door. But as she narrated his interest, the lady added that my husband would bring me a load of clothes from Dubai. By the way, such gifts were the main bait for girls at Uni then. But when we started our courtship, he was quick to dispel that expectation. Neither had he ever travelled to Dubai nor did he have the intention to win me over by displaying a lifestyle that was way above. And, good enough, I was not materialistic either.

In our marriage, managing expectations begins with the understanding that each of us is a work in progress, becoming the person that God intends us to be (John 1:12; 2 Corinthians 3:18). As a result, we do not put each other on pedestals. By recognising that, as human beings, none of us is perfect (Romans 3:23), we avoid unrealistic expectations and assumptions that could create unnecessary tension. Such an approach guards against disillusionment when one does not perform as the other expects.

In the same way, we are intentional about bringing clarity to how we relate to each other. When we express our needs, responsibilities and boundaries clearly and openly, each of us understands what is expected from the other. This reduces misunderstandings and ensures that expectations are reflected and accommodated in the way we interact with each other.

We also build reliability by being honest about what we can offer and consistently delivering on our promises. This strengthens confidence and trust in one another.

Managing expectations enables us to adapt to changing circumstances. As situations evolve, we adjust our expectations accordingly rather than resisting change. This allows us to navigate transitions with cooperation and maintain stability during uncertain periods. A case in point is when we found ourselves in a financial squeeze. I had to willingly adjust my expectations by cutting back on pedicures, manicures, hair salon visits and massages, which had been part of my routine, and by using my French perfumes more sparingly.

In addition, we address potential areas of misunderstanding early by making our expectations known. This helps us to avoid unnecessary tension or conflict. You can imagine how I could have waited in vain for clothes from Dubai. And how many women would remain calm without their routine beauty regimens?

Lastly, managing expectations shapes how we appreciate one another’s efforts. When we understand what each of us is capable of delivering, we are able to value each other’s contributions even when they are not perfect. In other words, we focus on value rather than shortcomings. A simple example is my husband’s cooking. By the way, he is a very good cook, but onion and tomato omelettes always challenge him. So, whenever he prepares one, I thank him wholeheartedly because I know how much courage and loving effort he invests in making that omelette!