10.01.12 The 5th Key for Evaluating a Prospective Partner’s Ability to Communicate Effectively

5. Is Emotional Safety Maintained During Conflict?

Assess how the prospective partner communicates in terms of conflict. Does the person express distress without accusation endeavouring to remain connected; or does she or he react with harshness and words that inflict emotional wounds?

The Shulamite must have noted Solomon’s readiness to preserve her emotional safety even in times of looming a conflict. One such moment was the day he visited her in the night. Apparently, she delayed opening the door for him and by the time she did, the King had left. In a normal situation, such an occurrence could have easily sparked off a conflict as any man could wonder what was happening behind closed doors.. Therefore, that incident must have threatened the Shulamite’s emotional safety since Solomon, feeling rejected, could have looked for comfort from anyone of his 60 wives or 30 concubines (Song of Solomon 5:2–6:13). But although the bible is silent about how the King must have felt, no anger, frustration or grudge is reported. To the contrary, we see Solomon resuming his admiration as early as in Song of Songs 6:4-10.

Edwin struggled with creating an emotionally safe environment for Patricia, particularly during the climax of their conflict. When the girl disconnected Connie’s call thence revealing her jealousy and pain, Edwin reacted with frustration and harsh words, rather than calm reassurance. His tone and body language conveyed anger, making Patricia feel attacked, misunderstood, unwelcome and emotionally exposed.

The readiness of the prospective partner can be gauged by how they communicate when disappointed, offended or under pressure. Rather than pressing, interrogating or intruding in moments of vulnerability, the partner exercises restraint, dignity and respect, thence preserving emotional security even where there is tension.