04.04.13 The 9th Key for Adding Value to Your Husband's Life

9. Be Ready to Provide Emotional Support

Generally speaking, providing emotional support refers to responding to a person’s need for security, assurance and help in situations that are potentially or presently stressful. Emotional support adds value to a husband’s life since researchers assert that beneficiaries are healthier, happier and better-positioned to cope with the challenges of life. Overall, providing appropriate emotional support can create a feeling of positivity and hope that will inspire and motivate your husband to pursue his aspirations and goals. Therefore, a value-adding wife should endeavour to provide emotional support for her husband whenever necessary.

There was a time when I had to go an extra mile to give my husband the emotional support he needed. As briefly narrated elsewhere in this book, it all started when we shifted to Tanzania where I had got a job shortly after returning to Uganda from Australia, where I had gone for further studies, accompanied by my family. During that time, my husband had not got his master’s degree yet and I was the only one in formal employment. He could not do any business either since that would have meant breaking the immigration rules of the country. I thank God that some years later, we opened our consultancy firm and started working together. But before that, I had to go to great lengths to reassure him of the value that he was contributing to our family despite the fact that it was me bringing in the pay-cheque. And indeed, my husband contributed immense value to our home during that time for not only was he managing the finances but was there for our children the whole time when I was at work, rather than leaving them solely with the maids. And as a result of that, our children got the opportunity to have a parent at home during their formative years; thereby being nurtured in line with our aspirations. Better still, he got the opportunity to be involved in ministry, considering the several positions he held at our church, Calvary Temple - Tanzania Assemblies of God (TAG), Arusha.

Broadly, emotional support has four categories namely, emotional support; tangible or instrumental support; informational support; and appraisal or esteem support; all of which can go a long way in adding value to your husband’s mental wellness if provided in the right way.

Emotional support per se, includes physical demonstrations of love and care. You provide comfort and reassurance that you are by your husband’s side so to speak, irrespective of any situation that he may be going through; and that he is not alone. It also includes listening as explained earlier, showing that your husband can trust and confide in you without being judged; and that you understand and appreciate how he feels. This is the kind of emotional support Michal must have provided during the first phase of their marriage, as Saul was seeking to kill her husband David on several occasions.

Tangible or instrumental support is to do with relieving your husband of some of his responsibilities so that he can manage a challenge or an issue that he may be going through. This could include helping out with some errands that he usually does in his role as a husband, father or even in the community. By working to bring an income into our family, for example, I was providing instrumental support for my husband, until we started working together in our consultancy firm.

Informational support refers to providing information, resources, advice, guidance or sharing relevant experiences that will help your husband to solve a problem. Michal provided this kind of support during the first phase of their marriage, when she leaked information to David that Saul was going to send assassins that night, then helping him to escape thereby saving his life from death.

Appraisal support is to do with conveying feedback that enables your husband to evaluate himself. We see Michal trying to sarcastically relay feedback to David, probably hoping that he will regret to have danced before the Ark; although her comment made matters worse.

Esteem support is part of ‘appraisal support’ and it is where you provide feedback that is designed to encourage and build your husband’s confidence by verbally highlighting his strengths in his hearing. It includes affirmations and compliments; acknowledging, recognising and celebrating his achievements; and, assuring him that you are waving his flag and that you believe in him. For example, that is the kind of support I was providing for my husband in Arusha, during the time when he was not in formal employment.

A word of caution. Firstly, the wrong type of support may fail to add the intended value to your husband’s life. For example, while Michal could have thought that ‘appraisal support’ would benefit David by helping him realise that he should never have danced before his subjects, moreover without his royal garments but an ephod (2 Samuel 6:14), what he needed was esteem support from his wife by applauding his achievement of returning the ark and the dancing that went with it. Therefore, make time to identify the kind of support that your husband needs. Secondly, avoid providing informational support that is unsolicited for, since it could stress your husband or send him on the defensive. It does not mean that you do not share information but do it in an effective manner so that you achieve your intended objective, for the betterment of your marriage relationship.

A value-adding wife considers her husband’s emotional wellness as one of her top-priorities.