04.04.07 The 3rd Key for Adding Value to Your Husband's Life
3. Package your Criticism
Michal failed to package her criticism. Even if she had found David’s dances irritating, she should never have chosen the words she used. Let us revisit what she said, in 2 Samuel 6:20 (NKJV): 20… “How glorious was the king of Israel today, uncovering himself today in the eyes of the maids of his servants, as one of the base fellows shamelessly uncovers himself!” That was definitely ‘destructive criticism’ right there.Had she thought about being constructive, she could have repackaged her words to something like: “Oh honey! I understand that you had to remove your royal garments and wear an ephod instead. God must have really been pleased with that humility”. Can you imagine the value that such an approach would have added to her husband’s life and their relationship as a whole?
A husband is bound to make mistakes since he is human. However, when that happens, a value-adding wife criticises him ‘constructively’ rather than ‘destructively’. ‘Constructive criticism’ or feedback provides specific and practically actionable advice to help a husband improve, thereby adding value to his life. On the contrary, destructive criticism undermines, mocks or taints a husband’s image, reputation, self-value or worth, therefore leaving him worse off.
The way you package your criticism is very important to avoid communication-breakdowns between you and your husband, as that can be very painful and could put cracks in a marriage. Therefore, before giving any negative feedback, ‘read the weather’ so that you know the best time to pick ‘touchy topics’. Check that your husband is relaxed, calm and ready to give you his attention.
Consider using the “feedback sandwich”; where you commence with a positive comment followed by constructive criticism then ending with another positive comment. For instance, had Michal used that approach, she could have started with a hug and a warm welcome then said something like: “Welcome back honey. You must be very tired… let me get you something to drink”. After settling David down on a sofa and giving him a cup of tea, she could have given a positive comment first by saying: “I see you had such a blessed time worshipping God”. Once that was out of the way, she could have released a subtle constructive criticism by saying: “Dave, I understand that you had to remove your royal garments and wear an ephod instead, though people may have wondered, since that almost never happens”. She would then have closed with another positive comment by saying: “God must have really been pleased with that humility and worship.”
That said, a husband may not be willing to receive any criticism however constructive you may package it. This may be due to stress or insecurities. Others carry a baggage of past failures that drive them to feel inadequate thence retreating to a defensive mode, while some just fear disappointing their wives. Financial shortages is another challenge that could make a husband resent any form of criticism. As if that is not enough, being open and laying facts on the table could appear like an attack on his ‘masculinity’. He may also be struggling with low self-esteem thence wanting to protect his image.
If you encounter any of those challenges, there are a number of things that you could do to create a safe space for dialogue with your husband so that he does not feel judged or condemned. First, try to identify the possible causes of his behaviour. Second, avoid being confrontational and sounding judgemental. One tactic is to use “I” rather than “you” statements. For instance, instead of saying: “you are often late these days”, you could say something like: “I get worried about your safety since we need you safe my love. Is there anything I could do to help?” This will send a message that you want to collaborate rather than being confrontational.