08.05.03 How Decision-Making Works in Our Marriage

How Decision-Making Works in Our Marriage

My Personal Experience

One of the qualities that drew me to my husband was his approach to making decisions. During our courtship, I came to realise that his choices were not accidental or haphazard, but intentional and well-considered. Simply because he was quiet did not mean that he was not thinking through the decisions he needed to make, and once he had made them, he would focus on delivering what he had promised. A classic example was when he decided to proceed with our wedding without my father-in-law’s presence, as their home district had unfortunately been cut off due to a civil war that had ravaged our country for over two decades. Being the first son in that family, that was a significant decision on my husband’s part, much as we had got his father’s blessings to go ahead with the event.

In our marriage, sound decision-making strengthens our confidence and trust in each other. We can rely on one another, given that we have grown so close that, even without sharing our thoughts on a matter, I can predict his decisions in certain circumstances and he can accurately predict mine as well, especially where the choices relate to spirituality and personal conduct rather than our different professions, giftings or unique roles. Each of us can tell what choices will either please or displease the other. This came in handy during the times I would travel for work and leave the children with my husband. There was never a single time when I found them not well taken care of.

In moments that require urgent or pressured decisions, we have learnt to prioritise what supports the relationship. A decision may look good on the surface, but how will it impact our marriage in the long run? This has helped us to avoid choices that could create distance or instability between us. For example, there was a period when many people were leaving Uganda for the USA under the pretext that they would return, only to remain there illegally. Many spouses were left behind with promises that were never fulfilled, leading to the breakdown of marriages and families. It was during such a time that opportunities opened up for my husband to do the same. He was to go, do odd jobs and later send for us. However, we chose not to pursue that option, recognising both the dishonesty it required and the risk it posed to our relationship.

In the same way, our decisions are guided by a commitment to remain aligned with God’s standards, even when the choices are humanly costly, painful or inconveniencing. When faced with difficult or challenging situations, we are able to candidly consider available options and encourage each other to pursue solutions that honour those standards. My mind goes back to one of the most critical decisions that we have ever had to make. At the end of my master’s program in Australia, we were given the option of travelling to any country of our choice for a two-week holiday, with visas provided. That was when I had a dream one night of returning to Nakulabye, a dusty, low-level suburb where our family had been living before. Quite frankly, I did not want to return to that kind of environment. Then we had a brain wave: get visas to the USA, disappear, go undercover and pay people to work on our papers to legalise our stay. We called our friends in the US, many of whom had taken that route, and they prepared to receive us so that we could have a ‘soft landing’. However, we knew that we would have to lie to the immigration authorities, which did not align with our Christian beliefs. So, to cut a long story short, we returned to Uganda and later went to work in Tanzania. Looking back, that is one of the best decisions we have ever made.

Decision-making in our marriage also involves combining our perspectives and carefully thinking through issues together. By bringing our different viewpoints into the process, we are able to arrive at balanced and well-considered decisions on sensitive matters such as responsibilities and long-term direction. Since the two of us will have agreed on the way forward, we are motivated to jointly channel our efforts towards shared goals and outcomes. For instance, I recall how one of our tenants had developed a tendency of asking for additives that were not part of our contract. My husband and I deeply deliberated on the pros and cons of obliging to her requests, then found a middle-ground where the client was reasonably satisfied without hurting our real estate business.