08.02.03 How a Growth Mindset Works in Our Marriage

How a Growth Mindset Works in Our Marriage

My Personal Experience

My husband and I have always been passionate about growth. I spotted my husband's growth mindset early in our relationship. He had long desired to pursue a master's degree in business, showing a mindset that values learning and self-improvement. And he seized the opportunity when it arose, years into our marriage.

In our relationship, a growth mindset enables us to regard conflicts as opportunities for development. For us, differences in opinions are a way to learn what works and what does not, and how each of us feels about various matters. Rather than becoming defensive, keeping scores, competing or assigning blame, we use such disagreements to understand one another more clearly and make adjustments when necessary.

In seasons that require change or adaptation, a growth mindset equips us to respond with resilience and flexibility rather than resisting the turn of events or the ‘new normal’. We navigate challenges together, continue moving forward with intention and recover from setbacks. My mind goes back to the time when we had to stay in Uganda for longer than expected. As deeply narrated in my book entitled Value-Adding Woman: Unleashing the Potential in You, we had put a pause on our consultancy work in Dar in order to attend to my daddy. Before we knew it, a one-week visit had turned into weeks and eventually years before he passed on. However, during that time, our financial resources went to an all-time low. I remember us visiting a shop in the industrial area to purchase plastic crockery, unlike the ceramics and French crystal that we had been used to, since all our belongings were in Dar at the time. That was the ‘new normal’, and we had to adjust our mindsets accordingly, including cutting our expenses down to the barest minimum. We learnt yet another dimension of resilience, even when the closest of relatives and friends deserted what appeared to be a sinking ship.

A growth mindset guides us on how to choose our friends wisely and to approach relationships with greater discernment. Not every friend is true. Others are scavengers, wanting to take whatever they can grab from you. My mind goes back to the time a close friend let us down after we thought of starting a real estate business in Uganda. Having lived in Tanzania for over 20 years straight, we were used to genuine friends who had always sought ways to bless rather than rip us off. So, we trusted a friend who did the exact opposite. We definitely grew from that experience.

In the same way, a growth mindset enables us to encourage one another’s personal development rather than becoming insecure or perceiving each other’s advancement as a threat. We know that each one’s progress contributes to the relationship. A good example was when my husband supported me to get my master’s degree first before he got his. In some traditional African settings, a husband could have perceived that as a threat, especially if his wife attained a higher qualification than him. When his turn came, I also supported him to get his master’s degree.

A growth mindset also shapes how we engage with one another on a continuous basis. Our willingness and readiness to grow compels us to freely share our ideas, thoughts, concerns and needs with each other, which ensures that we improve rather than remain static. It is common for us to discuss the latest developments: courtesy of social media, and the benefits that we can reap from there as individuals and as a couple.

A growth mindset enables us to adjust our priorities in response to new responsibilities. For instance, as our family needs evolved, there came a time when we had to build a family home. Therefore, we had to deliberately direct all our investment and efforts to that cause. Apart from funds for subsistence and education expenses for the children, the house became primary and all other expenditures were secondary. Recognising that the project required patience and living responsibly helped us to remain engaged and focused, since building a house is not for the ‘faint-hearted’.

Last but not least, a growth mindset positions us to extend grace to one another as we develop. Talking about ‘growth’, my husband and I do not demand perfection from each other. We appreciate that each of us is a ‘work in progress’. On that premise, we respond to each other’s limitations with empathy and patience while propping each other up as we support one another to grow and improve. An example comes to mind. My husband is very good with gadgets such as phones and computers. He will know how to fix what, at least as a layman. So, often, he patiently shows me how to navigate my phone whenever it starts misbehaving. On my part, I am very conversant with MS Office and other software, so I help him there. In other words, we enjoy a mutually supportive relationship.