08.03.03 How Handling Cultural and Family Dynamics Work in Our Marriage

How Handling Cultural and Family Dynamics Work in Our Marriage

My Personal Experience

I will start this conversation by saying that culture and family influences would have easily been a dividing factor, if we had not taken deliberate steps to handle the issue. For starters, my husband and I come from loving, close-knit families and we both cherish those ties as individuals. As if that is not enough, each of us is from a rich cultural heritage; I from the Baganda tribe, and him from Toro.

Foremost, as born-again Christians, we prioritise aligning our family and cultural ties with God's Word. Our spiritual beliefs serve as a guiding principle, enabling us to respect and appreciate the good in each other’s cultures while discerning and avoiding any practices that could conflict with our Christian stand. This balance has always been essential in building a strong foundation for our marriage.

While there are many positive aspects within our cultures, we recognise that some practices are rooted in idolatry. That notwithstanding, it is not strange that some tribesmen and women could be expecting us to participate in certain practices. However, we make deliberate decisions about what to be part of and what to leave out, even when those expectations are coming from close quarters. As a principle, we do not allow any cultural, traditional or family practice that contradicts biblical teachings, no matter how normal or widely accepted it may be. To call a spade a spade, there are ceremonies that we have decided to keep away from, as they seemed to conflict with our spiritual values.

You should also note that given our different cultures and family backgrounds, what is important to me may not be that important to my husband, and vice versa. However, we navigate those differences from a united front. This helps us to avoid getting involved in anything that would draw us apart or disrespect each other’s family or tribe.

Cultural and family influences have shaped the way we communicate with each other. Speaking of myself and much as I am not a traditionalist, there are certain things that a Muganda woman should never do. For instance, in our tribe, cooking is strictly for women. It runs so deep that some wives chase their husbands away from the kitchen. That is the way I was brought up. From time immemorial, I have never seen my dad cooking. Therefore, although my husband is ready and willing to help with kitchen chores as I catch up with a deadline on my laptop for example, I cannot ask him to cook when our visitors are within earshot. If I am engaged with a guest and we happen to need a cup of tea, for instance, I request him very politely to assist. The bottom line is, I never command him around, not even in the presence of our children.

We have learnt to understand and accommodate the differences in our upbringings. An example comes to mind. For instance, I am a first born and have three siblings. I was brought up to work fast, went to a school where meals were timed, then worked in the aviation sector where time had to be strictly adhered to. My husband, on the other hand, is the only boy child, a third born amongst three sisters. So, his mama pampered him a bit. Being a prince, I think there are certain traits that run in his lineage. One of them is that my husband eats very slowly, and if you rush him, he could propose to eat later. Interestingly, I learnt that his late dad, also a royal, was the same. What was even more surprising was when my daughter’s husband mentioned that she, a princess, is also the same. If you rush her, she will leave the food. So, I sweetly learnt to ‘baby-sit’ my husband as he eats his meals whenever I am in the house. In other words, by understanding what each of us has picked from our families, we are able to support each other, rather than allowing those differences to strain our relationship.

Knowing how to handle cultural and family influences enables us to decide which norms to keep and which ones to set aside. We are able to identify both the strengths and limitations within our cultural backgrounds, retaining what is beneficial and addressing, balancing or even ignoring what may be unhelpful. A good example is ‘kneeling’, which is a deeply ingrained, centuries-old cultural norm among the Baganda. The long and short of it is that women traditionally kneel to greet men, elders and when serving food to their husbands, symbolising respect, humility and submission. However, much as I brought up my children to kneel for elders and visitors, I had never seen my mother kneel before my dad. And to be honest, I have never done that for my husband—not even once; and yet we are very happily married.

We are also intentional in how we relate with each other’s families, learning what is permissible and picking up useful lessons wherever possible, without overstepping boundaries. For instance, my husband always mentions how he was inspired by the warm and yet highly respectful relationship that I had with my late dad; to the extent that he (my husband) enjoys a very close and warm relationship with our daughters.

Therefore, by understanding each other’s respective beliefs and expectations regarding family involvement and culture, we have steered away from unnecessary conflict and built a clearer sense of shared direction.