01.07.03 The 1st Behaviour that Makes It Difficult for Others to Forgive You

1. Failing to Apologise

Lutalo would do things seemingly aimed at hurting Birungi, but would never show any remorse for his offensive actions.  “The following day, the man would just continue with his ‘business as usual’, as though nothing had happened the day before.  Not at any point did he ever say that he was sorry”, Birungi complains.  

That was a very insensitive way for Lutalo to behave.  The fact is, people are not machines; they have feelings.  Therefore, it is wrong for you to presuppose that a relationship will continue where you left off, without even bothering to repair the cracks you inflicted.  

However, people turn up with all sorts of excuses as to why they never seek pardon.  For starters, some feel that apologising will make them fall off their pedestals; that their self-image is too high up the ranks for them to stoop that low.  They have a misperception that asking for forgiveness lowers their status and that it is only inferior weaklings that ever admit to others that they need forgiveness.

Others have trouble with actually saying the words “I am sorry”.  They find it so humiliating that they would rather revert to alternative ways of seeking retribution, such as gifts and ‘just being nice’.  They use the excuse “he will know that I am sorry anyway”.  But unfortunately, this approach hardly works, as many people prefer that the offender actually articulates the ‘I am sorry’ rather than hiding behind gifts and other camouflages.  Such tendencies may succeed in bringing temporary relief, but unfortunately those fruits never last.

Some individuals interpret apologising as admitting that they are the ones that made the mistake and not the offender.  They claim that soliciting for pardon is ‘letting the offender off the hook’.  But that is not necessarily true.  For example, although you may not be the one that wronged the other party, you still could apologise for having misunderstood the person, or for the inconvenience that you caused.

Some people claim that saying sorry opens doors to more accusations from the offender; and that by apologising, they are surrendering their territory bit by bit, to the offender.  Others fear that their ‘sorrys’ may be rejected, which will make them feel worse.  Yet others say that apologising is not a man’s thing, claiming that it is only women who ever do that.  

But whatever your excuse may be, you need to understand that failing to say sorry (and mean it) will make it difficult for others to forgive you, even though they could have wanted to do that easily.  In case you fear that by apologising, you will be misunderstood or rejected, I understand your point of view.  But you can always prepare yourself for such reactions.  Study the person you offended and how he or she could respond when you ask for forgiveness.  Many times, if you anticipate that someone may react negatively, it takes the sting out of those reactions should the person react as you predicted.