01.03.T01-RS — Reflection Scorecard: Recognising the Symptoms of Unforgiveness

What Do the Stories Reveal?

Unforgiveness is not always easy to recognise. It may manifest itself through thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are not immediately associated with unforgiveness.

This Reflection Scorecard invites you to revisit the experiences presented in this chapter, consider the lessons they offer and reflect on whether you recognise similar symptoms in yourself or other people in your space.

Part A: Learning from the Stories

1. Harika and the Watermelons

What does the infected watermelon illustrate about the hidden nature of unforgiveness?

What symptoms might indicate that a person is harbouring unforgiveness without realising or acknowledging it?

2. Katalina and Nathani

Katalina maintained that she had forgiven Nathani. What behaviour suggested that she hadn’t?

What does Katalina’s experience teach you about avoiding people who have offended you?

3. Nassama and Nyelo

What did Nassama discover when she encountered Nyelo about three decades after leaving school?

What does her experience reveal about the assumption that the passage of time automatically resolves the effects of an offence?

4. Laheri and Her Husband

How did Laheri respond whenever her husband made another mistake?

What does her experience reveal about repeatedly bringing past offences into present disagreements?

5. Chipo and Kalema

What did Chipo do in response to Kalema’s actions against her?

Kalema eventually suffered serious consequences, yet Chipo remained bitter. What does her experience reveal about seeking relief through an offender’s downfall?

6. Abigayeli and Susan

How did Abigayeli’s unresolved anger towards Susan begin to affect the way she responded to her?

What did Abigayeli eventually discover about the effect of her resentment on her own conduct as a manager?

7. Tibaine and Desta

How did Tibaine respond to the difficulties he was experiencing in his marriage?

What does his experience reveal about the difference between remaining silent and dealing with unforgiveness?

Part B: Recognising the Symptoms in Yourself

Having considered the experiences presented in this chapter, which of the following symptoms, if any, do you recognise in your own responses to unforgiveness?

☐ Unforgiveness camouflaging itself
☐ Avoiding offenders
☐ Recurrent emotional pain
☐ Re-narrating the history of offenders
☐ Publicising an offender’s wrong-doings
☐ Frequent bouts of uncontrolled anger towards the offender
☐ Chronic brooding
☐ I am not sure
☐ I do not recognise any of these symptoms in myself

Which of the symptoms you selected is most evident in your life? How does it manifest itself?

Did this chapter cause you to reconsider any response that you had previously regarded as normal, justified or unrelated to unforgiveness?

☐ Yes
☐ No
☐ I am not sure

If yes, what response did you reconsider? What do you understand differently now?

Is there a symptom of unforgiveness that you may previously have overlooked or found difficult to acknowledge in yourself?

☐ Yes
☐ No
☐ I am not sure

If yes, which symptom? What helped you to recognise that symptom?

Part C: Recognising the Symptoms in Other People in Your Space

The purpose of this section is not to label or judge other people, but to consider how the symptoms discussed in this chapter may manifest themselves in your everyday life.

1. Which of the seven symptoms have you observed in other people? How were those symptoms expressed?

2. Did this chapter help you recognise that a behaviour you have observed in another person may be a symptom of unforgiveness?

☐ Yes
☐ No
☐ I am not sure

If yes, what behaviours or tendencies did you identify?

3. Was there a symptom that you found easier to recognise in another person than in yourself?

☐ Yes
☐ No
☐ I am not sure

If so, which symptom? Why do you think it was easier to recognise the symptom in someone else?

4. How might recognising these symptoms enable you to respond more constructively to someone in your space who may be struggling with unforgiveness?

Part D: Taking a Closer Look

Choose one symptom of unforgiveness that you recognise or suspect in yourself and examine it more closely.

The symptom I want to examine is:

In what situations does this symptom tend to manifest itself?

What tends to trigger your response?

What thoughts and feelings tend to accompany your response?

How is your response expressed in words or behaviour?

How does your response affect your relationship with the person concerned?

Does your response affect any other area of your life? If so, how?

Your Key Discoveries

What have you discovered about the ways in which unforgiveness can manifest itself?

What have you discovered about your own responses to unforgiveness?

How has your understanding of these symptoms changed the way you interpret the behaviour of people who may be struggling with unforgiveness?

How might this understanding influence the way you respond to them?

Before You Move On

At the end of the chapter, Birungi acknowledges that she is experiencing many of the symptoms discussed.

Which aspect of your response to unforgiveness would you like to examine more closely as you continue through the Guide?