01.07.01 Introducing It Takes Two to Tango

Introducing It Takes Two to Tango

Throughout this guide, we have explored the nature of unforgiveness, examined its symptoms, reflected on its costs and discussed practical principles for protecting our hearts and extending forgiveness. Much of this discussion has focused on how we respond when we are hurt by the actions of others.

While this perspective is important, it is not the whole story.

In some situations, conflicts arise because of the actions, attitudes or decisions of one individual. In other situations, however, relational difficulties are influenced by the behaviour of more than one person. Although the contributions may not be equal, each party may have played a role in creating, sustaining or escalating the problem.

Recognising this reality requires honesty, humility and self-awareness. It is often easier to identify the faults of others than to examine our own attitudes and behaviours. Yet meaningful personal growth frequently begins when we are willing to ask difficult questions about ourselves.

The purpose of this chapter is not to assign blame or minimise the wrongs committed by others. Neither is it intended to suggest that every conflict involves equal responsibility. Rather, it is designed to encourage self-examination and help readers identify areas where their own actions, assumptions, expectations or responses may have contributed to relational challenges.

Personal growth becomes more likely when we focus on the factors within our control rather than those beyond it. While we cannot change the behaviour of other people, we can learn from our experiences, examine our choices and make adjustments that contribute to healthier relationships in the future.

As you work through this chapter, approach it with an open mind and a willing heart. Resist the temptation to focus exclusively on what others did wrong. Instead, consider what lessons can be learnt about your own attitudes, behaviours and responses.

The goal is not self-condemnation. The goal is self-awareness. By understanding our own contribution to relational difficulties where appropriate, we place ourselves in a stronger position to grow, heal and build healthier relationships moving forward.

Let us now explore some of the ways in which personal attitudes and behaviours can influence the quality of our relationships and contribute to the outcomes we experience.