01.04.T02-SA — Self-Assessment: The Costs of Unforgiveness

Are You Paying the Price of Unforgiveness?

This Self-Assessment invites you to examine whether unforgiveness may be exacting a cost in different areas of your life.

Answer according to your actual experience, rather than what you believe should be true.

How to Complete the Assessment

For each statement, indicate how often it reflects your experience in relation to an offence or offender.

1 — Never | 2 — Rarely | 3 — Sometimes | 4 — Often | 5 — Very Often

1. Thoughts about an offence or offender interfere with my happiness or peace of mind.

1  2  3  4  5

2. Thinking about an offence or encountering an offender causes me considerable emotional or physical distress.

1  2  3  4  5

3. My response to an offence has affected my emotional well-being over an extended period.

1  2  3  4  5

4. I have turned to alcohol or another potentially harmful behaviour to escape feelings associated with an offence.

1  2  3  4  5

5. Repeatedly discussing an offence or offender has placed strain on some of my relationships.

1  2  3  4  5

6. I have withdrawn from people who became uncomfortable with the way I continually spoke about an offence or offender.

1  2  3  4  5

7. I have considered abandoning an important goal, responsibility or opportunity because it keeps me connected to an offence or offender.

1  2  3  4  5

8. I have allowed an offence to influence a major decision about my work, relationships or future.

1  2  3  4  5

9. I have made decisions primarily to prove to an offender that I can succeed without him or her.

1  2  3  4  5

10. I have spent time, money or effort trying to compete with, outdo or prove a point to an offender.

1  2  3  4  5

11. I have been tempted to retaliate against an offender by doing something that could also harm me or other people.

1  2  3  4  5

12. My response to an offence has created additional problems that did not exist before the offence occurred.

1  2  3  4  5

13. I repeatedly blame myself for a past mistake, failure or outcome.

1  2  3  4  5

14. I find it difficult to forgive myself for something I did, failed to do or could not prevent.

1  2  3  4  5

15. I recognise that an offence or offender has received more of my attention, energy or time than I would have wanted.

1  2  3  4  5

16. Looking back, I can identify something valuable that my response to an offence has already cost me.

1  2  3  4  5

Your Costs of Unforgiveness Score

Add your responses to Statements 1–16.

Your Score: ______ / 80

Understanding Your Score

16–31 — Few Costs Evident

Review any statements that you rated Often or Very Often. A relatively low overall score does not rule out a significant cost in a particular area of your life.

32–47 — Some Costs Evident

Identify the statements that received your highest ratings and consider what those particular costs have meant for you.

48–63 — Several Costs Evident

Examine your higher-rated statements closely and identify the areas of your life in which the effects have been most significant.

64–80 — Costs Strongly Evident

Give particular attention to the costs reflected in your highest ratings and consider what may be at stake if they continue.

Your total score provides an overall indication of the costs reflected in your responses. Individual ratings are equally important because a particular cost may be significant even when your overall score is relatively low.

Taking a Closer Look

1. Which three statements received your highest ratings?

1. ______________________________________________________

2. ______________________________________________________

3. ______________________________________________________

2. Which of the nine costs discussed in this section do your responses suggest may already be affecting you?

3. Which area of your life has been most affected?

☐ Happiness and peace of mind
☐ Physical well-being
☐ Emotional well-being
☐ Personal behaviour
☐ Relationships
☐ Vision, goals or opportunities
☐ Decisions and use of resources
☐ Intimate relationships
☐ Relationship with yourself
☐ Another area: __________________________

4. Which cost, if any, has been more serious than you previously recognised? Why?

5. Is there a cost that could become more serious if your response to the offence remains unchanged?

☐ Yes
☐ No
☐ I am not sure

If yes, which cost and what concerns you about it?

Before You Move On

Which cost of unforgiveness deserves your most immediate attention? Why?