01.06.08 The 6th Principle on How to Forgive

6. Forgiveness is Demonstrated through ‘True Love’

‘True love’ is the vaccine for unforgiveness; since a loving heart leaves no room for envy, jealousy, bitterness, hatred, pride and other ugly feelings to take root.  Further, ‘true love’ is the power behind forgiveness.  This super-power works in you to clear an offender’s record; then flows through you to your offender, in streamlets of love manifestations that demonstrate that you forgave that person; as some people narrate. 

Nuwa decides to Love God most

Nuwa, the plumber who almost died due to a debilitating disease, insists that what helped him to forgive the relatives that stole his property was when he decided to make God his best friend and guide.  “I got convinced that God sees my heart.  Therefore, I opted to use His standards…; I do what He likes and avoid practicing anything He does not like.  Since He loves good and bad people alike, I aspire to do the same...; it is that simple”, he advises with a peaceful smile.  I couldn’t agree the more.  

Accordingly, during our discussion with Birungi, I asserted that living as Nuwa recommends would enable my friend to soar way above the circumstances and situations that her bitterness against Lutalo had created. 

Amazing though it may sound, forgiving offenders has a supernatural dimension to it.  If Nuwa succeeded the way he narrates, you, also, will not fail to love and thence forgive people, once you make God ‘top priority’.  For He intervenes by either causing your offenders to change or endowing you with enough robustness to go through the offenders’ fires without being burnt!    

Teberonda loves his Offenders as he loves Himself

You may remember the case of Teberonda, and how he ended up hating himself after failing to go to medical school, a thing which broke his late father’s heart.  For some long years, the boy blamed himself for his father’s death, which had occurred as a result of poor medical care.  However, Teberonda’s miseries evaporated the day he decided not only to ‘forgive himself’ but to ‘love himself’.  “I realized that I had plenty to offer the world…. When you love yourself, you are better equipped to love and therefore forgive offenders”, he insists adding that this approach enabled him to pardon those who had given his father the overdose that caused the old man’s untimely demise. 

When I shared this wisdom with Birungi, she admitted that if she had ‘loved herself’, she would never have starved her body to the point of getting severe ulcers.  “I was too sick to even be in the right state of mind to rationally tackle the Lutalo saga”, she confessed.

Loving Others

Loving others the way we love ourselves is actually one of the simplest definitions of ethics, as some scholars assert.  Have you ever wronged anyone?  Did you like the way you were treated?  If you did not, then treat your offenders in the way you would have preferred to be treated.  By not paying the offender in his or her own currency, you demonstrate maturity of character.  Therefore, be ever ready to forgive offenders, since you also would wish to be forgiven by those you offend. 

Mugaya decides not to Give up on his Manager

True love never gives up.  Do you recall how a driver named Mugaya got demoted by his immediate boss Nyayo, after a donor’s laptop disappeared into thin air?  “Despite Nyayo’s several clarifications that the demotion had been ordered from the ‘top’, I would not be moved; having written the guy off as a downright brute”, Mugaya confesses.  “But all that gross bitterness earned me nothing other than clinical depression!”, he exclaims.  The driver asserts that when he decided to forgive the boss, things became different.  “I eventually put myself in Nyayo’s shoes thereby appreciating the frustrations that the company had suffered when the overwhelmed donor closed doors on the request for the much-needed funding.  These days I am hardly ever stressed, and have stopped using antidepressants”, he reveals.

Therefore, down the track, Birungi would have to watch out for contrary thoughts such as; ‘It is common to think that forgiving Lutalo will not work’; or that ’the man will never change’.  She was to challenge those voices by keeping focussed. 

Likewise, you also must resolve not to give up on offenders, even when the going gets rough; because, after all, ‘forgiving’ is the best way out of your prison.  Remember, where there is a will, they is always a way.

Apio shows Patience to her Boss

Patience was the love antidote that Apio selected, the day she realized that her boss, Sembatya, was mistreating the girl, out of mere insecurity.  She came to terms with the fact that the boss was a simple African man who was not used to having women that had a higher status than him.  “Joy, I realized that Rome was not built in a day…; therefore I learnt to be patient with the headmaster”, she reveals.  “Since then, I am feeling much better, and my work is proceeding well”, she concludes.

As soon as I had conveyed this point, Birungi interjected, “But some offenders can be prickly, especially when you extend an olive branch”.  Evidently, my friend was worried that Lutalo could turn down her well-meaning efforts to make peace.  Could you be having the same concern?  You must learn to develop a thick hide and be psychologically prepared in case the offender reacts in a way that you least expect.  Never put human beings on pedestals. 

Lusi is Kind to her Housemaids

Kindness is expressed through humane actions towards offenders.  You may remember Lusi’s story, and how she would slash a maid’s lean salary as punishment for breaking posh crockery.  But since ‘kitchen accidents’ are nothing new, maids would ‘come and go’, rather than bear Lusi’s harshness.  “I have learnt to be kind to my housemaids”, Lusi confesses.  “In fact, these days, I rebuke them firmly but lovingly…; plus I employ creative ways of keeping my French crystal and any other priceless items out of their reach”, she adds. 

Likewise, Birungi would have to show kindness to Lutalo; by being warm-hearted, considerate, humane, sympathetic, helpful and tolerant as these are commendable qualities. 

Kindness brings a difference in the life of your offender; as you would treat the person the same as you would prefer to be treated by those you offend.  As a forgiver, you ought to behave contrary to how a vengeance-filled person would.  All this takes courage; therefore, your human nature could oppose this.  But allowing your body to dictate your behavioral standards is such a myopic way to live; for there is much more to ‘life’ than what your five senses tell you.  After all, psychologists say that everyone has an in-born capacity to be kind.  So why not exploit that truth!

Bavawala no Longer Competes with his Boss

Never make the mistake of envying your offenders, or competing with them just to prove a point.  This was the error that Bavawala made, when he took offence against his boss Hawa; choosing to punish her through foolish competition.  The boy’s shortsightedness eventually led to his being cash-strapped, thus turning himself into a public embarrassment.  “When I learnt about forgiveness, I finally realized that not only were such emotional strategies superficial, but misplaced cheap time-wasters that just left me worse-off”, he confesses.  “These days, I am objective, refraining from getting carried away by offenders…, my business is progressing well” he reveals.

On that note, I warned Birungi to never compete with Lutalo; as that would do more harm than good; leading to self-disrespect and frustration, as she could never be ‘him’. 

In the same vein, you also must be realistic about yourself, and refrain from comparing yourself with an offender.  Remember that every human is endowed with unique strengths and abilities.  Do you know yours?  Have you identified them?  Therefore, rather than envying an offender, focus on knowing and exploiting your strengths.  This is how to ‘grow’ your self-esteem.  Never down-size that ‘person inside you’.  You are important and special; and can never be like that offender, or any other person for that matter.

Being Respectful

Some people choose to punish offenders by disrespecting them; convinced that by doing so, they are giving offenders a taste of ‘their (offenders) own medicine’.  But thinking that way is wrong; for you are allowing offenders to infect you with their bad manners.  Others resort to dishonoring offenders through ‘bad-mouthing’, careless talk and back-biting conversations; hoping to strangle the offender with harsh words.  You should never allow yourself to contract such vices; as these only serve to make you sourer; thence making it harder for you to forgive the person. 

Therefore, respect the offender as a human being.  Did you know that being boastful or bragging before offenders just incites them to give you the same treatment?  Remember, we respect people because ‘we respect ourselves’.  Therefore, let it become your style, to put certain behaviours, such as disrespect, beyond you.  Never forget that disrespect is a seed, and that ‘what you sow, you will surely reap’!   

Not Pushing your Agenda

Never force yourself on an offender, on the grounds that you have forgiven the person.  Rather, have discernment to gauge when they need some ‘space’; otherwise if you go ‘head-on’, you may appear confrontational.  Such an approach could ‘turn-off’ the person, thereby closing doors that would have otherwise remained open. 

Furaha Learns to Exercise Self Control

Never attack offenders.  This is the mistake that the forty-five aged Furaha made after discovering that her peers had been gossiping about her pregnancy.  The girl called her friends in the middle of the night, screaming that they should stop meddling in her family affairs.  Little did she know that such a reaction would only serve to fuel their gossip-hungry inclinations.  For as soon as the following day broke, ‘Furaha’ was on ‘the front page’ of the village grapevine. 

After learning how to forgive, Furaha warns that angry outbursts are a wrong way to behave in the presence or hearing of one’s opponents, or elsewhere for that matter.  “Remember, the odds are that such people ‘get a kick’ out of seeing you unhappy”, she advises.  “Should you ‘make that person’s day’ by giving her the satisfaction that she upsets you?” she asks.  In fact, currently, Furaha uses self-control to deal with any rumors against her.

Therefore, with reference to Birungi, she would be better-off restraining herself rather than allowing her anger to gratify Lutalo’s mean intentions.

Nakasi is no Longer Selfish towards her Siblings

Forgiveness involves learning to put yourself in the feet of your offender.  This is what helped Nakasi to forgive her siblings.  As you may recall, their father had set up a family culture where the first-born would be the one that sacrificially ‘minds’ her younger kin.  Apparently, for the siblings not to call Nakasi, they were responding to the expectations that their father hand ingrained in them.  “I realized that their aloofness was not intentional”, she says.  “So, rather than insisting on my own way of doing things, I chose to give my siblings some consideration; and to lovingly care for them anyway” she adds.

This was where I emphasized to Birungi that she would have to always remember that Lutalo had the same five senses that she has.  “Never be insensitive.  That way, you will discover the secret treasures that lie in putting Lutalo and others first”, I advised. 

Therefore, when you care for people, including those that do not like you, it will make you feel good about yourself; which is not only an effective antidote for stress but promotes your general wellbeing. 

Laheri Stops Maintaining an ‘Offences Log Book’

You may recall the story of Laheri and how chronic re-narrations of her husband’s mistakes almost strangled their ailing marriage.  “Joy, I realized that reading out the history of my husband’s offences and meditating on them was negative energy”, she confesses. 

Accordingly, Birungi would have to learn to capture and discard any contemplations aimed at packing her mind with garbage; or else her thinking processes could get corrupted.  “Remember, lingering on negative thoughts does more harm than good; could pollute your mind; and paralyse your good intentions”, I warned.  That was when she came up with a defiant question.  “What if Lutalo was to do those things again and again…?  Would I be expected to forgive him seventy-times-seven times?” she queried.  I affirmed that she would have to refrain from keeping a track record of the offences Lutalo committed against her, such that each time the man offended her, there would be ‘no history to refer to’!

Therefore, you also must get to a point where you consider an offence closed, thereby forgiving ‘completely’; which is what forgiveness is all about.  Do not keep a record of the wrongs that offenders commit.  Rather, develop the habit of forgiving others instantaneously.  That way, you will make ‘forgiving’ your lifestyle.  This will free you from emotional distress and enhance your health.

Chipo Wishes her Ex-Boss Well

It is cheap to rejoice at the downfall of your opponent.  Rather, wish the offender well.  This is what Chipo learnt after deciding to forgive Kalema; an ex-boss whose life Chipo had turned into a living hell.  You may remember that the man had cheated Chipo out of a well-deserved promotion into the position of Chief Accountant.  Chipo’s wicked ploy had majored in the board’s decision to sack the man.  “These days, I no longer celebrate when my offenders are treated unjustly, by others or by life itself.  Rather, I try to be empathic; and to protect an opponent’s name and reputation rather than malign him or her to others”.

Likewise, Birungi would have to refrain from rejoicing in wrongdoing or other situations that would leave Lutalo worse-off. 

Sticking to Acceptable Moral Values

Angry bursts and other such behaviours are a wrong way to behave towards offenders.  That was how Nuru reacted, the day she discovered that her newly-found friend Upendo had disclosed secrets to Nuru’s boss.  To make matters worse, Upendo’s betrayal had cost Nuru a ‘much-planned-for’ business trip, since she (Nuru) had to postpone her plans due to strict instructions from the boss.

“Joy, I eventually learnt that it takes two to tango”, she explains, admitting that she became realistic about her failures and contributions to the whole saga.  “I should never have blown up Upendo, let alone resort to treating her as a ‘door mat’.  Further, I was wrong to confide in a friend who I had just known for only a few weeks prior…  Now I take time to study people before trusting them with my secrets” she says.

In the same way, Birungi would have to take deliberate steps to know her weaknesses; and make an effort to change, so that history does not repeat itself. 

Likewise, you also need to nurture and preserve morally acceptable values.  Realize that what is ‘unbecoming behaviour’ still remains so, regardless of whether you are justified to treat your offender like dirt. 

Lesedi Looks for the Best in Her Employee

No person can be ‘one-hundred percent bad’ however monstrous an offender could be.  Therefore, look for some good traits in your offender. 

You may remember how Lesedi, went on a chronic blaming session after discovering that her housemaid had eaten the ice cream that her daughters had reserved for their daddy.  “I never even bothered to recall how hardworking the girl had been, until after she had left”, she says; explaining how she had struggled to clean her enormous double-storied house ‘single-handedly’.  “However, these days, I have learnt to separate the offender from the offence.  When you think about it, the girl could have either been hungry or responding to a craving for ice-cream.  I should have just instructed her not to do that again; and complimented the rebuke with appreciations of the work she used to do”, she concludes.

At this point, I advised Birungi that she would have to learn to take a mental picture of Lutalo wearing that offence.  And then take the offence off him; then see the man as he really was without that offence.  We agreed that by doing that, Birungi would be able to see the good side of her ex-boss; thereby acknowledging his good qualities and contributions.

Not Manipulating Your Offender

Some people feign forgiveness with the sole purpose of accessing favours from offenders.  This is being manipulative; and love does not manipulate.  Therefore, you should not forgive expecting reciprocation from people.  After all, your blessings do not necessarily have to come from your offender.  If you express love to the person, somebody may show you love elsewhere.  Remember, although we reap what we sow, we do not necessarily reap from the same field where we have sown.  

Keep Going.., Never Look Back

Once you set your pace to express love and forgiveness to your offender, never look back.  You have a destiny to achieve.  So refuse to be distracted, otherwise you will spend your life compiling a résumé full of encounters with opponents.  Yet, there is more to life than just your offender!  What a waste of time that will have been.   

Reconciliation

“Once you have forgiven Lutalo, you should venture to rebuild your relationship with him”, I advised Birungi, cautioning that reconciliation should not just be ‘for show’.  “Before physically reconciling with the man, ensure that you have taken him ‘off your hook’ completely, otherwise your efforts will appear ‘skin deep’.  Remember, residual streams of bitterness have a way of leaking to the surface, some point in time”, I warned.  

Further, reconciliation requires an environment that will favour the restoration of your relationship with the person you forgave.  But even then, efforts should be implemented in small doses rather than going ‘full-blast’, to avoid overwhelming the offender.  “Therefore, plan to give Lutalo time to get used to the fact that you no longer have anything against him”, I recommended.

Remember.  Saying ‘sorry’ does not necessarily connote that offenders have changed or overcome their flaws.  Therefore, exercise wisdom.  Know the weaknesses of the person you forgive.  Associate with them knowing that they could repeat the offence, unintentionally or intentionally; and maybe to a higher degree.  Does this mean that you should not give the offender another chance?  Not necessarily.  But realise that the change could be long coming; and love the person nevertheless.

Gauge the risk associated with physically accepting the offender back into your life.  If the person may endanger your health or security, you may choose to accommodate the inherent risks in your renewed relationship by staying on your turf physically, while redirecting your mind to love that person. 

As I concluded my last point, I could tell that Birungi had finally understood what it meant to forgive offenders.  “The whole point is about true love”, she summed up.  “And, guess what, I am committed to doing just that”, she confirmed, causing me to give her a big hug as I breathed a deep sigh of relief.